I had the weirdest dream last night. By the clock, I slept for well over an hour but I tossed and turned so much that I actually slept only about sixty minutes.
Before I tell you about the dream I have a complaint I’d like to convey to the Veteran’s Administration. Ready, here it is, “I ate a whole bottle of those cheap sleeping pills that you gave me and it didn’t do anything except make me vomit and then it gave me a hellaous case of cotton mouth.”
A FEW TIPS ON EXPECTING THE WORST
By Donald K. Sanders
Eons ago, somewhere around here (I consider Winters to be the Garden of Eden) the first of men, on his dying bed, rock, or whatever, passed his knowledge on to his descendents. I’m not sure of what knowledge he passed on but I do know that it was probably one of the more important tidbits of information that he had gathered during his lifetime.
LEARN TO RECOGNIZE FAD SYMPTOMS
I have a disease. I caught it in just the last few years and I am not alone. Around the world there are over 300 million people that have the same diagnosis. It is not a pretty disease. The early symptoms are, red puffy eyes, inability to sleep as you normally would, self isolation, Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, anger, depression, and finally DEATH! The name of this disorder is, Facebook Addiction Disorder or (FAD).
I'M A GRANDPA AND I'M A HAPPY MAN
I have a new granddaughter that I have yet to lay eyes upon. I have seen pictures galore but they can never compare with actually holding her and looking at her face. Looking into her eyes for the first time will be a thrill that will be with me until I close my eyes upon this Earth.
Eventually when she sets eyes upon me she will know that I am her Grandfather. She will know that she is safe with me and that I love her and her brother in a big, big way. They will love me too, however, they may think I’m a little eccentric for a grandpa.
KEEP ME FROM DREAMING
All of my life I have been plagued by strange dreams. Some of them are
so vivid that I will often sit up in bed and talk loud enough to
awaken my wife. She worries about me because she knows that most of my
dreams include some sort of violence.
I won’t go in to all of that PTSD stuff because I’ve been there before
in some prior column. A couple of nights ago was no exception and my
wife annoyingly told me that no one else was in the room so I should
go back to sleep.
It was so strange because just a few moments earlier I was having a
FREAKY FAMILY MAKES OLD MAN SIT AT KIDDIE TABLE
I’m hoping that the new year will bring something new for me to write about. I can only make up so many stories before I run out of ideas, and sooner or later someone will catch on to my plagiarizing other people’s written material.
Well, since I don’t have anything to write about, I’ll just recap all of the bad things that happened last year. Of all of the many, many things that I did last year, only one turned out good.
I was involved in a power struggle with the Freaky Family (Freaky because they’re perfect)
I’ve been thinking about women lately and there’s so much to think about that it’s hard to quit thinking. I thought so much that I decided to go to the internet to see what I could find out about them.
Some of the things that I found out about women are very profound. One woman tried to tell me that living inside of her is a skinny woman but that she could usually shut her up with a few cookies. What the heck does that mean?
I know that I have been writing a lot about women lately. I find that I have to force myself to think of something else or I’m thinking about women all of the time. They’re like, in my head.
Every time I think I’m getting away, they just keep pulling me back! They are taking control of everything and I think they are starting with me, like I’m some sort of guinea pig or something.
Go ahead, laugh! I’ll bet that after the men of this city read this column, they won’t be laughing so hard. They’ll be scared, like me. Here are the hard facts.
I believe my wife is going to kill me. A cold chill runs up and down my spine every time I think about it. I don’t know why she wants to kill me, but my superior intellect indicates that everything seems to come to that conclusion.
This morning I told my friend Steve about it. With a look of inconceivable terror in his eyes, he told me, “OMG, I think my wife is trying to kill me too!” Could this be true? Is his wife in cahoots with my wife?